Today, I donned my coat and sneakers and threw my journal into my bag. I stuffed my hands deep into my pockets and left my apartment, trekking up and down crowded streets, past bus stops, over rocky sidewalks. All the way to a secluded hill-top park bench. I could see the hazy skyline as the sun set, and the air was crisp, cold, and as fresh as it can get in such a busy city. I needed space to clear my thoughts. I needed time to talk to my Maker. I needed to breath.
I do not have it all together. I like to appear as though I do, but I definitely don't. I myself am a mess. I'm falling apart. There are days that I feel under so much pressure. There are days when I feel as though I'm accomplishing nothing. Days when I wish I could see my purpose drawn with a permanent marker on the plans for my life. There are days when it's all I can do to keep from crying in public. I cried out to God today, I don't even know what I need. I don't even know what I want. There are days when I just wish that life wasn't such a struggle.
I can't hold myself together. I've tried. It doesn't work. But, you see, I'm not a hopeless case. None of us are. Because we aren't made to hold our lives together. We are made to entrust them to someone else. Someone Else.
He is holding me together. I don't know what I would do without Him. Him, being my God, my Jesus, my Savior. You see, even when I know that I'm a mess, that I don't know what's going on, that I feel out of control, HE is in control. There is a purpose for my life written by His hand in permanent marker, and I trust that even though it's not my place to see it, HE does. Some days it's hard to hand it over. To not worry. To trust. But He tells me that I can trust Him. He says that my life is in His hands. He says that my purpose is grounded in bringing Him glory and loving Him. He says that I wasn't made to hold my life together; He made me to be dependent on Him.
Corrie Ten Boom said, "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."
It's hard. Because, hello, this sure isn't heaven that we are living in. And until then, life is a struggle, because we live in a world where satan is telling us lies about life and is successfully deceiving so many people. But I hold this truth so close to my heart:
"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow - not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love." Romans 8:38
Nothing. No matter how I feel, no matter what I do, He's never going to leave me. He's never going to stop loving me. He knows my thoughts. I mean, He knows me better than I know myself, because He literally made me and shaped me. It's not like I'm going to have a bad day, and He's going to walk out on me. That would be impossible. I am convinced. I don't need to have it all together, because He does and that's all that matters. I don't need to know my future, because He does and that's all that matters. Nothing can separate us from God's love. He is all that matters.
