"Wow, you really like our traditional desserts." My native friend watched as I ate a piece of baklava before our meeting began.
"Yep, they are really good." I licked my lips, savoring each bite of yummy syrup and flaky dough.
"I can tell." And he motioned towards my stomach and chuckled.
I felt gut-punched.
What? For clarification, I am not fat. Not a bit. We laughed and walked off to join the meeting, but this comment sat heavily in my stomach a lot longer than the baklava did. I was so offended.
What? For clarification, I am not fat. Not a bit. We laughed and walked off to join the meeting, but this comment sat heavily in my stomach a lot longer than the baklava did. I was so offended.
Why had he been so rude to me?
Or, had he actually been rude at all?
Was I being too sensitive?
Or, had he actually been rude at all?
Was I being too sensitive?
Well, that's wrong.
They make a HUGE difference in both relationships, jobs, and every-day interactions.
Take my example. This isn't the first time that someone in this Central Asian/European culture had mentioned my weight. Sometimes, if I see someone after a long absence, the very first comment they make to me is based on a, sometimes imagined, change in weight. Either good or bad. "Wow, you've lost weight" or "You've gotten fatter." Now, when I first started living abroad, this really caught me off-guard. In American culture, weight is very taboo. If a guy tells his girlfriend that she is looking a bit chubbier, he can pretty much write off the whole relationship. We are quite sensitive when it comes to body image. However, that isn't the case in a lot of Central Asian cultures. People talk about weight and a host of other body topics quite freely, without the risk of offending each other. It's considered normal.
There are a heap of other situations where I have realized that culture makes a difference. In Western culture, we are very particular about our space and privacy. We don't like to "intrude" on others or be intruded on. Case in point: If I am going to have a friend sleep-over, we will plan this at least a week in advance. Friends don't normally ask to sleep over because they don't want to impose on hospitality; they will wait until invited. My guest will bring her stuff with her, and I will have made sure that her staying-over fits in with my other plans. HOWEVER, Central Asian culture is completely different! If I go to a friend's house for dinner, she will most likely insist that I spend the night. She will give me a pair of her pajamas to wear, and I'll just wear my other clothes again in the morning. I will most likely sleep on a fold-out couch, which is a must-have in every home here because guests are so frequent. In other situations, if I'm visiting a city in which I have a friend, it is a given that I will stay with her or her family. In this culture, it is completely accepted that I can ask to stay at others' houses without being accused of imposing on them. "Mi casa, tu casa" is a real thing, and it isn't spoken with a hint of bitterness; generosity is currency.
Phone conversations. Wow, can they be different. If I'm talking with a friend in America, I might ask her what she has been up to, because this leaves room for her to choose how much she shares; but I won't call her and say "What are you doing?" - this would seem really intrusive. When people call their friends and family here, they will literally ask "What are you doing?" In addition, they might have called them to ASK JUST THAT. For me, when people first started asking what I was doing, my knee-jerk reaction was to answer, "Why do you need to know?" or "What's it to you?". I felt that they were intruding on my privacy. This was a cultural clash, and one that I had to become aware of and adjust myself to.
So, what do we do in the face of these cultural clashes? We live in a multi-cultural world, and it is imperative that we are able to deal with these situations with consideration to ourselves and our friends.
#1 - We must realize that our culture is not necessarily right and their culture is not necessarily wrong; they are both just different.
#2 - Think about the situation or the exchange of words from their perspective. If you felt offended, do you think that they meant to offend you from their cultural perspective? Analyze how you should take the action or comment from their culture's lenses.
#3 - Take a deep breath and move on. Culture can be a great thing, but it can bring about misunderstandings. We don't want to let these situations cause rifts in our friendships; it's not worth it.
In the case of my "baklava" situation, I realized that from the cultural perspective, the comment made to me was in jest and wasn't meant to offend me at all. Although I personally felt offended, I knew that holding that bitterness would only spoil the friendship. In some cases, I would have felt it appropriate to let the person know that I was offended because of the cultural difference, but I didn't mention it in this situation. I took a deep breath and let it roll off my back.
Just because my culture says one thing doesn't mean that it's essentially right and other cultures are wrong. They are just different, and learning to live with these differences and taking them into consideration is important for building lasting relationships and having good communication.
Have you experienced a "clash" of cultures? How have you dealt with it? Did it help you perceive your friend's culture in a new light? Comment below! I really would love to hear about your experiences as we get better at living in this exciting, multi-cultural world.
There are a heap of other situations where I have realized that culture makes a difference. In Western culture, we are very particular about our space and privacy. We don't like to "intrude" on others or be intruded on. Case in point: If I am going to have a friend sleep-over, we will plan this at least a week in advance. Friends don't normally ask to sleep over because they don't want to impose on hospitality; they will wait until invited. My guest will bring her stuff with her, and I will have made sure that her staying-over fits in with my other plans. HOWEVER, Central Asian culture is completely different! If I go to a friend's house for dinner, she will most likely insist that I spend the night. She will give me a pair of her pajamas to wear, and I'll just wear my other clothes again in the morning. I will most likely sleep on a fold-out couch, which is a must-have in every home here because guests are so frequent. In other situations, if I'm visiting a city in which I have a friend, it is a given that I will stay with her or her family. In this culture, it is completely accepted that I can ask to stay at others' houses without being accused of imposing on them. "Mi casa, tu casa" is a real thing, and it isn't spoken with a hint of bitterness; generosity is currency.
Phone conversations. Wow, can they be different. If I'm talking with a friend in America, I might ask her what she has been up to, because this leaves room for her to choose how much she shares; but I won't call her and say "What are you doing?" - this would seem really intrusive. When people call their friends and family here, they will literally ask "What are you doing?" In addition, they might have called them to ASK JUST THAT. For me, when people first started asking what I was doing, my knee-jerk reaction was to answer, "Why do you need to know?" or "What's it to you?". I felt that they were intruding on my privacy. This was a cultural clash, and one that I had to become aware of and adjust myself to.
So, what do we do in the face of these cultural clashes? We live in a multi-cultural world, and it is imperative that we are able to deal with these situations with consideration to ourselves and our friends.
#1 - We must realize that our culture is not necessarily right and their culture is not necessarily wrong; they are both just different.
#2 - Think about the situation or the exchange of words from their perspective. If you felt offended, do you think that they meant to offend you from their cultural perspective? Analyze how you should take the action or comment from their culture's lenses.
#3 - Take a deep breath and move on. Culture can be a great thing, but it can bring about misunderstandings. We don't want to let these situations cause rifts in our friendships; it's not worth it.
In the case of my "baklava" situation, I realized that from the cultural perspective, the comment made to me was in jest and wasn't meant to offend me at all. Although I personally felt offended, I knew that holding that bitterness would only spoil the friendship. In some cases, I would have felt it appropriate to let the person know that I was offended because of the cultural difference, but I didn't mention it in this situation. I took a deep breath and let it roll off my back.
Just because my culture says one thing doesn't mean that it's essentially right and other cultures are wrong. They are just different, and learning to live with these differences and taking them into consideration is important for building lasting relationships and having good communication.
Have you experienced a "clash" of cultures? How have you dealt with it? Did it help you perceive your friend's culture in a new light? Comment below! I really would love to hear about your experiences as we get better at living in this exciting, multi-cultural world.
